My day out!

My best friend, Norman, called me up yesterday and asked me if I had lunch yet. I hesitated for a few seconds then reluctantly replied and said "not really...” He then ordered me not to eat and wait for 2 freaking hours to eat with him in a restaurant. I wouldn't have even considered following his order if it wasn't for his mention of Nando's (my favourite restaurant ever!). We agreed to meet in the Cherry Creek Mall in about 2 hours. I was so excited about the notion of tasting that delicious juicy chicken that Nando's is so famous for (mmmm) that I almost stepped on my beloved little baby sister who just learned how to speak a few months ago.

Damn! I am late. Now I am going to get it from Norman. I know him; he will not let this go, I know he won't. I am going 120MpH in my white Volvo sedan on the highway (I would go 130MpH but my dad does not let me... He says, if I get the best mark in university over all other students he will buy me a car that easily goes over 120MpH and will let me drive at 135MpH even!) Whizzing by cars until this Mercedes CLK just zoomed right next to my car. I was demoralised completely. I slowed down. My head fell when it was held up high just mere seconds ago. And it wasn't because the CLK was much faster than my Volvo. But because a chick was driving it... a woman for god's sake!

My new cell phone rang. It was Norman unsurprisingly irritated that I am still not in Cherry Creek. I told him I was on my way but he asked why I was late. I felt ashamed to say that it was because a chick beat me to the traffic lights. So I just told him I will be there in 5 min hoping that by saying that he would drop the question and it worked! I felt proud to have been able to pull off something like that, especially with Norman. I finally arrived at Cherry Creek's parking space. It took me quite a while to find a parking space but I finally was able to find one far away from the entrance. I had to walk for 5 minutes to reach the entrance. I got on the escalator stairs then on to the next ones till I reached Nando’s on the third floor. Looked around, and there he was! I can see Norman from across the gap which gave visitors a top down view of the lower levels. His small figure became bigger and bigger as he came closer. First words he uttered to me were "Why were you late?"

Friday rides

I was sitting in my new white Volvo sedan (It's a new car my dad just bought me last week) waiting for him to appear from the slightly opened back gate to the house. He is almost always irritable on Fridays, no one really knows why. He quickly got in and sat in the front passenger seat without uttering a single word. I thought I would engage my dad in random small talk to break the deafening silence. Life is such an enigma. There are many things that i constantly ponder about...but this time, for some reason, my question was not premeditated. It was perhaps a brain-fart of some sort.

"Dad, can a man turn into a woman or vice versa?" I asked.
He paused for a moment, then looked at me with a sick expression on his face and said "You're sick!"
I have no idea why he would get disgusted by such a question. I mean, it's not like I was telling him I wanted to turn into a woman... oh dear god!

I decided to rebound and prove to him my manliness, so I took some time to strategise and make sure that the next thing I utter will be the absolute pinnacle of all that is masculine and virile. I cleared my throat and calmly avowed, "That woman is hot!" after nodding at the direction of the closest woman walking on the pavements that I could see whilst driving my Volvo sedan. We could only see her back from where we were. She was wearing an all black long dress with manly looking beige boots. I looked at my dad as we went past her, and saw the smile forming on his face, then suddenly, as if he was somehow slapped in the face, that smile morphed into a frown that complimented the now all too familiar disappointment face. I was confused, I almost opened my mouth to cry out for an explanation but stopped myself just in time after catching a glance at that "hot woman" in the rear-view mirror. For starters, the black dress was not a dress at all but a black rain coat. And the manly looking boots were manly for a reason... for you see, the "hot woman" was in fact, my mom. My dad was speechless and so was I. Awkward silence ensued.

Looks can be deceiving

My cousin is coming over today! I cannot wait to show him my new PSP, it will blow him away, I just know it. As soon as he arrived I took him to get the formalities of saying hello to my mom over and done with as quickly as I could. My mom chose this day, of all days, to start giving him advice on how to treat his parents, sisters, and how important school really is plus how important it is to respect women (she was watching Oprah earlier that day). That took about 40 minutes of my life I will never get back. As soon as I heard one of her 2 second silences when my mom would shift from one topic to another I tried to seize the moment and pull my cousin to my room to show him the PSP with full volume and no distractions. I failed for the first couple of tries but succeeded in the third try.

"The PSP will surely bring my cousin back to gaming" I thought to myself. I sat him down on the chair in my room which faced the wall completely opposite to the door making his back face the door. I took out the PSP from the cupboard and walked to my cousin while switching the PSP on. I bent over to give him a better view of the magnificent widescreen of the PSP. He was impressed by the demonstration and I felt satisfied that I have, if anything, made him jealous that he does not own a PSP while I do. As I was getting up from my bent over position. My dad walked into the room. I am not sure what it was but I was certain he was angry at something. He told me to follow him to his room upstairs.

I walked up the set of stairs which seemed to have multiplied and made the journey much longer. I kept wandering what he might have found that would make him this angry at me. Could it be!? did he learn how to use my external hard drives!? now I was walking faster in order to keep such thoughts away from my head. I went in to his room and found my dad sitting behind the office table with his hands crossed. He nodded at one of the two chairs in front of the office table clearly giving me permission to sit on it. I sat and waited for him to say something.

"What were you doing in your room all alone with your cousin?"

"I was blowing him away-" couldn't finish the sentence before he interrupted me.

"You what!?" He said after his veins grew redder and began thumping very visibly.

"-with my PSP..."

"So you were not doing anything ... wrong?"

"I cannot beleive you would think of me that way dad. May god forgive you for that."

"I see... Okay you may leave."

Highschool

I’m not really sure how I can describe my high school years. People were mostly apathetic towards me. Some bullied me, others didn't know I existed. I always managed to project a sense of indifference. I never talked much. Only when I really had to but it seems as though I managed to put smiles on people’s faces...just in ways I never really wanted nor intended.

I used to love to blend into the surroundings so as to avoid being noticed. My classmates used to use me as a boredom/stress reliever. Sometimes, when girls are looking over to the boy’s area in break time, guys would make fun of me incessantly. I guess in their mind, by making fun of me, they will look better by comparison. I was surrounded by douchebags! Just standing next to me would do that job. No need to open their mouths and waste their breath!

I remember there was a period in high school where it was very hip and cool to go up to unsuspecting classmates and simply pull there trousers up from below so as to expose their white socks (we had a strict uniform code) which would, in turn, trigger laughter from all the classmates around him. I am not sure who started that trend or how it caught on. I remember this trend went on for more than a year. Even though I was rarely noticed, this trend did affect me as they were always searching for fresh meat. But, fortunately, the trend ended. No one was really sure how it ended but rumor has it that it all ended when one student happened to come to school without socks one day and got his trousers pulled only to find sockless feet.

Camels' Milk

It was Tuesday, and just like every Tuesday, my aunts and uncles are over at our home. We were all sat in the living room, and autonomously I listened to their conversations with my ears wide open. The usual topics like the weather, traffic, and politics were all covered. But unusual topics were also covered like camel's milk and the problem in our country that has started to grow - gayness. My dad was depressed about the fact that gayness has even shown its sinister facade in his clinic (he is the best skin doctor in the country!) and one of my uncles asked:

"How’s that?"
"Well..." my dad elaborated. "I had a number of young men ask me to provide them with skin lotion..."
My uncle just nodded in disgust.
Having realised my dad wasn't going to add to that, I calmly stated:
"skin lotion doesn't necessarily indicate gayness-"
"They were wearing tight jeans!" My dad fired back clearly agitated by my remark.
"Oh, so true..." they all said out loud agreeing with my dad.

I felt real stupid and so decided not to open my mouth again, at least not when my uncles and aunties are around. However, I ended up opening my mouth and looking back, I wish I just stuck to my plan. I didn't really have a problem keeping my mouth shut until they mentioned camel's milk and its great advantages! That is when I couldn't resist opening my mouth. They were going on and on about the benefits of camel's milk.

"Camel's milk is healthier than cow's milk" said my uncle.
"It tastes better too!" my aunt added.
"It almost has no cholesterol, unlike cow's milk" my dad remarked, adding his two cents to the conversation.
That is the moment where I couldn't contain myself and had to open my mouth.
"But dad? When my mom wanted to pour me a cup of camel's milk the other day, you refrained her from doing so, and said it will make me fat?"
My dad, uncharacteristically, replied by simply saying " I don't know... cannot remember." Then immediately changed the subject.

Anyway, after that we all decided to migrate to the other living room in our large house. As I was making my way to the other living room, my dad took me aside and waited till everyone was far away so as not to hear what he has to say. Then he said in an angry but calm tone:

"You are saying those things in front of your uncles and aunties? You are implying that your mom wants your health whilst I want to hurt you?"
"WHAT? I didn't even think of that! I know that you always misunderstand me but I asked a question and just wanted an answer to it. I just asked why? Not that you wanted to hurt me"
"I will tell you why I didn't want you to drink the camel's milk..." my dad remarked. "It's because camel's milk increases ones sexual drive."
I was speechless.
He then added, "Having an increased sex drive is not good for someone who isn't married!"
I was still speechless.

When I told my friend Norman about Camel's milk's "great benefit" that rendered me speechless, he had a different response to it. He thought of a business opportunity.
"Camel's milk could effectively compete head to head not with cow's milk or any other type of milk for that matter..." Norman said almost immediately after hearing the ‘great benefit’. "...but with alcoholic drinks! I mean, think about it." I thought about Nando's when he said that for some reason then snapped myself out of it. "...The girl you are hanging out with is not putting out? Slide her some camel's milk. Job done. She will sleep with you in a second to satisfy her increased sex drive."
"I wonder if they are open yet." I thought then snapped myself out of it again once I realised I was still on that issue. Surprisingly he was still going on and on about his 'business opportunity'.
"...Having trouble finding your partner attractive? Drink some Camel's milk. And think of the increased market share! religious groups which prohibit alcohol have no beef with camel's milk, so to speak. The market share with Camel's milk will be much bigger. It would be bigger than toast!"
"Do you want to go to Nando's?" I asked, having realised I couldn't think of anything else.
"Okay... but what do you think about my business plan?"
"It won't work."

Disclaimer

Dewey Merman and all other characters in this blog are fictional. Any resemblance to real people is coincidental. Views and opinions expressed by those characters are for entertainment purposes only.